Homeward
by chezchuckles
Summary: a Dash Companion. 3rd in the Home series. Halloween Night, Dash's 3rd birthday.
1. Chapter 1

**Homeward**

a Dash Companion

* * *

Dashiell is not a Hammett.

"I'm a Castle," he mutters at his mother, turning his face towards her in the cozy booth. "Not a Hammett."

"Sorry, baby, I know," she says to him, leaning down to kiss his cheeks, her hands cupping his face.

He leans into Mommy, squirming like a bug, and steals another one of her french fries. "This my favorite place, Mommy."

"I know, baby. That's why we came. Eat your own fries."

He wriggles a little more, and Mommy gives up and drags him into her lap. He bounces on her legs and wraps his feet behind her knees, snuggling back as she hugs him. Her kisses get sloppy and messy and then she's raspberrying his neck and making him giggle so hard.

He takes a gasping breath when she stops, realizes his fingers are curled in Mommy's hair. She's untangling them but she's laughing too, and he sighs and releases her, looks over at his sister.

"Daddy, how's my baby?"

His father is smiling at him, but he glances down to Ellery and touches her cheek. "She looks good. I think she likes it too."

"She has hot dogs like me?"

Baby Girl has a spoon but she just waves it round and round and hits the table. Daddy keeps giving her Cheerios.

"I think she's going to stick to the cereal, buddy. But soon."

"Daddy, she's trying the spoon. She is so close."

Mommy presses her mouth to his cheek and she squeezes with her arms. "You're a good brother, Dash."

"I am," he wriggles, smiling up at Mommy even as she laughs. "She likes it here. I do too."

"It's a fun place, but I think Ella is getting a little overstimulated. You too, huh, my man?"

No, he's okay - it's just lots of people here and the sound of the drinks hitting the tables and the forks scraping on the plates and the voices, all of the voices keep coming at him, and okay, maybe-

"Think so, wild man. Just a few more minutes," Mommy says softly. Her hands come to his shoulders and push down, push push push, and then she squeezes him again.

Dash breathes out in relief and leans back into his mother, turns his head to rub his cheek against her neck. Mommy's squeeze tightens and then she loosens up a little, puts her palm to the side of his face and kisses his forehead.

Daddy leans out and grabs the lady who keeps refilling their drinks. "Can we get the check, please?"

Dash sits up, glances at Daddy, but the woman has already moved away.

The check?

He turns to look at Mommy but she's licking her fingers as she eats a french fry.

Huh. "Daddy?"

"Yeah, bud?"

"I thought. . .umm. . ."

"What did you think, Dash?"

"You not pay for my dinner?"

"Not yet."

But. . .that makes no sense.

"Why they pay you?"

"Who pays me?" Daddy says, letting Ellery take a Cheerio from his hand.

Dash huffs and turns to Mommy, twisting his arms around her neck and drawing her down close. "Mommy," he says quietly. "Why they pay us a check?"

Mommy grins and lifts her head to Daddy. They have smiles back and forth and then Daddy gives a little chuckle.

"Hey, Dashiell, you heard me asking the waitress for the check?"

"Yeah." He shrugs and leans forward to puts his hands around Mommy's drink. She helps, giving him the straw and he sucks down her water.

"Well, this is a different kind of check."

He lifts his eyes to look at Daddy.

"This check is a bill for the food we ordered. So we pay the check and then we get to go home."

"But when you get a check, Daddy, like in the mail and it has allllllll those zeroes-"

"Inside voice, Dash," Mommy says.

"Allll those zeroes," he whispers. "That's a check, Daddy, but you don't pay it. It pays you!"

Daddy is laughing, but it's the good kind, the kind that says it's okay to laugh_._ He tries but he doesn't see what's so funny. The lady comes back with the _check _that is also a _bill_ and Daddy pulls out cash, still chuckling.

"Mommy," he sighs, turning back to look at her. "What's so funny?"

"It's just another word that has two meanings. The check you ask for in a restaurant is really a bill, but we call it a check."

"Daddy?"

But he's nodding too. "We do. But pretty much only in a restaurant."

"That's not fair," Dash says, wrinkling his nose.

A bill but a check. But not a check like the one Daddy gets, but he's getting this check now, but not for money. But for money.

"Well, while you think about that one," Mommy says softly. "Let's get going."

"No subway."

"No subway," Daddy says. "Promise."

* * *

Kate wraps her fingers tighter around her son's hand, keeps him close as they step out onto the sidewalk. Castle keeps a protective arm up around the baby in the sling at his chest, battling their way through costumed pedestrians. Dashiell is bouncing on his toes, practically buzzing.

But it's his birthday dinner, and he loves this restaurant, and even though Halloween is one of the craziest times in this city, she's glad they did this.

"Hey, cab?" Castle calls back, his face in profile against the streetlights. He disappears for a moment behind a clown, and when she finds him again, she takes his fingers.

"Cab," she confirms, feels Dashiell pulling away. She turns and scoops him up even as they walk, heavy boy that he is.

"Mommy, walk."

"Too crowded. Might lose you, my man."

"Not a check," he murmurs into her ear, his arms wrapping around her neck. "Bill. Should be bill."

She huffs a laugh and kisses his cheek. "I know. Crazy, right?"

Dashiell sighs but perks up as another Halloween-costumed woman passes close to them, decked out as a witch, even with the green face paint and warty nose. She's in a cluster of people that includes a dog, a woman in red shoes and a blue skirt, and then Kate realizes-

"Oz!" Dashiell gasps. "Look, Daddy, look!"

Kate feels Castle turn, his grip on her fingers twisting a little, and then he chuckles. "I see. That's pretty cool. You know one year Mommy dressed up as a sexy-"

"Castle."

"What's a sexy?"

"Beautiful," Castle supplies smoothly. "A beautiful cat."

"A beautiful cat?" Dash asks, turning his eyes to Kate. "That's not any fun, Mommy."

"It was fun for me," Castle says.

Kate knocks her shoulder into his, accidentally startling the baby awake, and she winces as Ellery lets out a mewling cry.

"Now look what you did," Castle accuses, hunching over Ella and shooting her a dirty look. "Mommy is so mean, isn't she, baby girl?"

"Oh, whatever," she mutters, rolling her eyes.

"Mommy's not mean!" Dashiell defends hotly, his fingers gripping her hair.

Kate laughs, gives Castle a smirk. "Thanks, baby. But Daddy is messing with me."

"Messing is joking?"

"It is. Just like joking."

"Daddy, all the words. . ." Dash gives a great sigh and lays his cheek against Kate's shoulder.

Castle flashes them both a grin, looking so proud of his son, and then he shakes his head. "You're right, Dash. And that's the great thing about words. They can mean so many things. And when you find just the right words and put them in just the right order to tell just the right story-"

"Then you're just like Daddy," Kate interrupts. "A writer with all the right words."

Castle's eyes startle up to hers, warm and pleased and shot through with summer sky even in the darkness of Halloween night. His lips curl into a grin and she knows that he's going to stop them in the middle of the sidewalk just to kiss her. She can see it on his face-

But there's a loud sigh from the boy in her arms, his arms tightening around her neck. "There's too many words," he murmurs.

* * *

"What a vocabulary, huh?"

Kate laughs at him, but Castle doesn't care. This is Dashiell's third birthday but already he's more advanced even than precocious little Alexis was at the same age. The kid didn't shut up all night, going on and on about the check versus bill thing.

"Did you check on the baby?" she murmurs, tugging the earrings out of her ears, her head cocked as she looks at him.

There's another way to use _check_, he thinks. Dash will like that; gotta remember it.

"Castle?"

He blinks at Kate. "Uh, was I supposed to check on her?"

She wrinkles her nose and he sees her glancing towards the baby monitor.

He waves it off. "She's fine. You just put her down. She's not Dash - she's a champion sleeper."

Kate curls her fingers around her earrings and places them on the dresser. She pulls her wedding ring - her mother's ring - off of her finger and drops it in its wooden box next to her father's watch.

"I'm gonna go check on her," she says, a hand shaking her hair out as she heads for the door.

He sighs but lets her go, unbuttoning his cuffs and pulling his shirt tails out of his pants. Dashiell was in preschool today, had a pumpkin party with his class in his costume - a knight of course - and when Castle picked him up, he said he wanted to go to his favorite Mexican place for dinner.

So they went. A little tentatively, because of his issues and the baby, but Castle is pretty certain that Ellery doesn't get affected by crowds and noise like Dashiell. So she should be fine to sleep. Dash though. . .he's expecting problems later.

He's just gotten his pajama pants on, tugging the drawstring a little looser, when Kate comes back into the room.

"Yeah?"

She nods. Asleep then, no trouble. Ella's not her brother, that's for sure.

"But guess who was up?" she adds.

"Oh. Darn."

"I figured as much, though." Kate tugs her shirt over her head, her hair falling free, long and already past her shoulders again like it used to be. "He's all hyped up on Halloween. I told him next year we'd do more trick or treating."

"I thought we could this year," he starts. "But-"

"I think he was fine with what he got. How does he know any differently?" Kate says, coming closer and sliding her arms around his neck. "I think only trick or treating in our building was a smart idea, Rick. Next year we'll attempt the church's trunk or treat thing. Too much for this year."

He shrugs, but he feels like he's cheated his kid out of it, just a little bit. Especially since they went to a restaurant rather than Castle making something here, having a themed party-

Kate goes on. "And he had a party at preschool, got to wear his costume all day. He's good. He's too good, actually. He's still excited and unable to sleep up there."

Castle shrugs but she lifts up onto her toes and kisses his jaw, her nose nuzzling his.

"You did good, Daddy."

His hands skim up her bare back until he can hook his thumbs in her bra; he turns his head to kiss her softly, her lips opening to him, her tongue touching his.

"Happy Dash's birthday," he murmurs, tugging a little on her bra, lifting an eyebrow in question.

She curls her fingers in his pants. "Mm, yes. Let's."


	2. Chapter 2

**Homeward**

* * *

Oh, his hands. Oh, wow. Wow. He's got to-

A plaintive wail and the sudden thump against the door makes Kate jerk out of Castle's grip too fast, and they both fall out of the bed to the floor, tangled and breathless.

"Ouch."

Kate grunts and shoves on Castle's chest when the next cry disintegrates into wailing, wriggles out from under her husband's slow-moving body. "Castle. Move. That's Dash."

"Your shirt. Wait. Your shirt-" he gasps at her, laughing and pushing her tshirt towards her.

Kate jerks it out of his hands and manages to get to her feet, slithers into what turns out to be his shirt instead, but it sounds like Dashiell is beating his head against the door and she has to get him.

"Ohhh, no. That's mine. Kate!"

"Find a new one," she mutters and flips the lock on the door before yanking it open.

Dashiell stumbles through with tears streaking down his cheeks, his little body barreling into hers, face pressed between her knees. Kate sinks down and wraps her arms around him, shushing him with murmurs of Croatian even as he sobs and howls into her.

She feels Castle's hand at her shoulder in signal, so she stands up with her son, turns around. Castle is dressed again, but his concern is fleeting; he grabs Dashiell out of her arms and carries him back to bed.

Been there. Done that.

Kate follows, already weary of the tears, and she climbs in after him still trying to mentally switch gears. Dashiell is a pitiful mess on his father's chest, whimpering and burrowing down. Kate lays a hand on his back and waits for the boy to turn his bleary eyes to her. He still lets out these dramatic sighing sobs every once in a while, but it's more for attention than true desperation.

"What's wrong, baby?"

"I can't sleeeeeep," he moans, his quivering lip giving way to fat tears once more.

Kate raises her gaze to Castle, finds her husband looks just as inappropriately amused as she feels. She has to bite her lip to keep from laughing, because this is serious to Dash, of course it is. But they kind of expected it.

And, yeah, knowing the monsters Dash battles to find sleep, knowing what's going on with him now? That makes it infinitely easier to deal with.

"Hey," she says firmly, nudging Dash's chin with her knuckle. "Dash. Buddy. Come on. Chill out."

"But I try and try and try-"

She tugs him away from Castle and presses a kiss to his cheek, his temple, his forehead, humming to him as she does. His little body is tense and rigid in her arms and she tries to ease him as best as she can, squeezing him tightly all over.

"Don't worry about it, my best man. It's Halloween and it's your birthday and you've had a lot of fun. It happens. Daddy and I couldn't get to sleep either," she promises.

"Still can't," Castle says dryly. She elbows him and rolls her eyes, but Dashiell is still pitiful and whimpering.

"Dash, baby, come on. It's nothing to cry about."

"But why why why all the time why?" He's practically howling with it, his body shuddering, and Kate realizes they're about to pitch into an uncontrollable fit if she can't get him to calm down.

Recently, it's been the same with food. If he doesn't like the way it feels on his tongue, he gags and throws up, his little shoulders hunching. And then he can't stop. The sensation of throwing up makes him throw up again, and it's a vicious cycle. Castle had to take him out of preschool one day because he had applesauce in his lunch.

Applesauce sets him off.

She strokes her fingers through his hair, squeezing him hard with her arms, his body wedged between hers and Castle's. Dash keeps rubbing his face into her chest and moaning, and she can hear the way his breath catches, his tears ramping up.

"Hey, Dash," Castle says suddenly, his lips right near their son's ear. "Dashiell. Want me to tell you a story?"

"I can't get to sleep. It won't help. Nothing helps. I'll never-"

"Not a bedtime story," Castle says quickly. "We're not going to bed. We're all up. Just a story. A Beckett story."

Dash takes in a ragged breath, his mouth open at Kate's collarbone, but she feels a very slight ease in his body's quivering despair.

Redirection. That's what Julie said. Change the environment and redirect. Kate forgot. Good thing Castle is here.

"Okay, Dash, buddy. Gotta sit up for the story. It's a good one. It's about you."

"About me?" he mumbles and Kate flinches at the way his voice tickles her skin.

Dash lifts his head to look at her, eyes curious. "Mommy?"

"Tickled. Sorry, baby. You were tickling me."

He gives her a shy grin at that, curls back up at her chest with his arms around her neck. She hums and kisses him, but she thinks Castle is on the right track.

"Daddy says sit up for his story."

Dash turns around in her arms, still leaning back against her chest, but apparently he thinks that counts. She laces her fingers together at his belly, curls around him even as she leans against Castle's shoulder.

"You guys ready for my story?" Castle murmurs.

"What about my baby?" Dashiell says, pulling a knee up and flopping half over onto his father. Castle chuckles at him and strokes the hair out of his face.

"Ellery is in her room," Kate answers, careful to avoid mentioning the sleeping part of that.

"Oh," Dash sighs. "Okay. My very own story?"

"It's all about you," Castle confirms. "And it's a Beckett story."

"Okay, Daddy. Go."

Kate grins at her husband in the warm light of their bedroom, quickly kisses his cheek before he can start. He gives her a startled smile back, lifts his arm to slide it around her shoulders. She tilts into him, Dashiell wriggling between their bodies, and lays a hand over Dash's back, pushing a little. Deep pressure.

"Dash, this is a story about how you were made."

Kate huffs and puts her chin on Castle's shoulder, blows a breath into his ear for that. But he shakes his head and winks at her, squeezing her elbow with the arm around her shoulders.

"How I's made?"

"Remember how we talked about Ellery inside Mommy? And what she might look like before she got here?"

"She a little bit Mommy and a little bit Daddy."

"Exactly. Well, so are you. Little bit of me, and a little bit of Mommy."

"Oh, I _am_?" Dashiell lifts up from his little nest between them, throwing Castle an eager look.

Kate presses her lips together to keep from laughing.

"Course you are," Castle answers easily. "All the best parts. Like your eyes. Who do you think gave you those eyes?"

"God."

Kate does laugh then, giving Castle a little smirk.

"Well, okay, but look at Mommy's eyes."

Dashiell whips around to her, then climbs in her lap and grabs her face with his hands, peering intently. His bony knees are crushing her femurs, but then he sighs and settles back.

"Mommy's got brown eyes but then they go green or sometimes there's little yellow swimming around in there."

Castle reaches out and grabs Dashiell, picks him up and gets out of bed. "Let's go look at your eyes in the mirror."

Kate hurries after them, doesn't want to miss this, and they stand at the sink with Dashiell perched on the counter. He puts both palms flat to the mirror and leans in to look (Castle is _so_ cleaning the handprints off tomorrow).

"Oh, there's some yellow and green and brown here too!"

"And Daddy has what color?" Kate nudges, reaching out to balance Dash when he turns back around.

"Him is blue. Like my baby."

Castle grins and plucks him off the counter. "So, I gave my eyes to Ellery and who gave you yours?"

"My mommy," Dash purrs, throwing out his arms for her with that shy, happy-boy smile. Kate takes him, nuzzling her nose into his neck until he giggles. She likes that sound much better than his desperate, pathetic insomnia.

"So you get all your parts from either me or Mommy," Castle continues, leading them back to bed. Kate crawls in first, knee-walking over the mattress with Dashiell in her arms until she can get settled in the middle again. Castle comes up next to her.

"What from you, Daddy?" Dashiell asks, twisting in Kate's arms to bounce over to his father.

Kate lets him go and answers before Castle can say anything. "Your heart, baby. You love all your people like Daddy loves. You're so good at it, and you take care of everyone."

"Like my baby."

"Exactly. Even though it's not your job to take care of her, you know. But you love her."

Castle is smiling at her, that soft and tender thing, and she shakes her head at him with a little laugh.

"All right so that's something from me. But did you know there's things in your head that you got from us too?"

"In my head?" Dash asks, setting his jaw and frowning at them. "What in my head?"

"The way you think about things, and how your brain works. That's from me and Mommy too."

Suddenly Kate sees exactly where this is going. Oh, smart man. She married a smart man. "Like how you were so interested in the words at dinner. Bill and check. That's definitely from Daddy."

"Cause he makes books."

"He writes books," Kate confirms, reaching out to stroke her fingers through his hair. "But guess what, baby? You got something else from me. Sometimes I can't sleep."

Dashiell swivels around to look at her in astonishment. "You not sleep?"

"I sleep probably about the same amount you do. Which is fine when you're an adult. But it's not so great when you're a kid and trying to get enough rest to grow strong and healthy."

"Mommy's an insomniac, kiddo." Castle grins at them both, wriggling his eyebrows.

"What's that word?"

"Insomniac. Means Mommy sometimes can't get to sleep. Or she wakes up and can't get back to sleep."

"Mostly I wake up early," Kate tells him, trying to be honest about it. She's never had quite as much a problem with it as Dashiell, and she's always had enough sleep that she can remember, but stress or hormones will do it. Or sometimes no reason at all. "But I usually work until it makes me tired enough, and then I can fall asleep at night. Then I wake up early again."

"That's like me. I not fall asleep. I wake so early."

"Yeah, but you've gotten a lot better, don't you think? And now it's mostly just the getting up really early."

"With threes."

At three? No. Really? He's been getting up when the clock is a three?

Kate turns and meets Castle's eyes, sees he didn't know that either. She thought it was more like four or five. Three is awful.

"With threes," Castle murmurs. "Well, that's something we'll work on, kiddo. Tonight, not being able to sleep? That's kinda Daddy's fault. I let you have candy from your school party and then we went out to eat pretty late. It makes it harder for your brain to shut off."

"My brain goes like this - _spin spin spin spin_," Dash says in a rush, his face red with the effort of his illustration.

Kate smiles and rubs a hand over his little arm. "I know that feeling, baby. But we'll figure out how to teach your brain to slow down and stop spinning."

"Julie teach me lots of things."

"Julie is wonderful," Kate says, feels Castle chuckling at her side. So what? Julie _is_ wonderful.

"You know how my brain works, Dash?" Castle shifts Dashiell onto his lap and gives him a tight embrace; Kate can see the boy's body relax almost immediately. "My brain likes words. Kinda like yours. I like to find the best words for things and put them together and tell a story. My brain sees all the words filling up the page."

"All the words," Dashiell murmurs.

Kate keeps quiet becuase she can tell that Castle is going somewhere with this.

"And Mommy's brain sees bad guys and how they work. So Mommy knows when someone is lying or has hurt someone; her brain knows how bad guys think about things and what they might do next and how to lock them up. Mommy's brain sees bad guys."

"Sees bad guys," her son echoes, his eyes drooping a little now. This is probably starting to go over his head a little. A lot.

"And it's taken me and Mommy a lot of years to figure out how our brains work. We're adults and we're older than you, so that's how we know so much. But we're all still trying to figure out how your brain works, Dash. Maybe your brain sees words too, or maybe it sees elephants and you're going to have a job at the zoo."

Dash hums a little giggle, eyes popping open and bright with visions of elephants. "I name one Dumbo, and one Boot."

"Very good name," Castle murmurs to him, his cheek against the top of Dash's head.

"Boot?" Kate questions, can't help herself.

"Daddy say trunk is also boot."

Kate laughs at that, the whole night rising up in her and spilling out in her laughter. Oh, wow. Boot. He's only _three_.

Kate curls on her side and comes closer, pressing her hand to the boy's neck. "My smart boy."

Castle is silently shaking his head, grinning even as he continues his story. "Very smart. But your brain also does some things that me and Mommy's brains don't do. That's why you're our boy. Just like Ellery's brain does things that are more than mine or Mommy's - you and Ellery are your own people, so you have your own special brains."

"What my brain do special?"

"Mm, well. Your brain sees a lot of things that Mommy's doesn't see, that Daddy's doesn't see either. In fact, your brain sees things that most everyone else's brain will never see."

"Like ghosts?"

"No," Kate laughs, shoots Castle a look for the stories he's evidently been telling. "You won't see ghosts."

"You might. When you're older," Castle adds.

"Rick."

"He might. You never know."

"I not see ghosts now. But maybe when I'm grown."

"Maybe so," Castle says. Kate could hit him, seriously.

"Dash, the point is, baby, that your brain sees things that other's don't. And that means you have more to look at. More coming into your brain. And that sometimes doesn't make you very happy."

"Oh."

"Sometimes," Castle adds. "It makes you tired or cranky or grumpy, because you have so much more to look at. Your brain sees how those lights at school flicker so fast."

"They do go off-on, off-on, off-on. All the times."

Kate strokes her hand down his hair to his neck. "I know, baby. But guess what? My brain doesn't see that. So it looks like the lights are always just on. My brain skips the off part. Most people's brains skip the off part and only see them on. That's why we use those lights - because no one ever knew."

"Why they not see?"

"Their brains - our brains - don't let us," Castle interrupts. "So you've got so much more cool stuff going on in your head, Dash. But it also means you have to figure out which parts you need to see, and which parts don't matter."

"Like -off -off -off don't matter."

"Sort of, yes. We'll have to train your brain to stop worrying about the off part of the lights."

"Oh my brain worry? It thinks all over, a lot of thinking."

"Exactly," Kate says in relief. "That's exactly what your brain does. And mine worries over things too, a lot of thinking, so that the spinning doesn't stop and it makes it hard to sleep."

"I'm no good at sleep. I tried, Mommy, I did try-"

"Don't worry, kiddo," Castle says, jiggling him a little in his arms. "Remember? We'll figure it out. It might take some time, but Mommy and I don't want you to be sad about it, because it is just your very special brain and we are all still figuring it out."

"Mommy, you can stay up with me when my brain thinks thinks thinks?"

Castle opens his mouth like he's going to explain that's not going to happen, but Kate beats him to the answer.

"Yes. Of course. I will always stay up with you. And as you get older, and your brain gets better at seeing things, then you'll be able to do it without needing me. But for now, you always come find me, baby."

Dashiell throws his arms out for her and lunges into her lap, snuggling down over her. She kisses his cheeks and holds him tightly; she won't ever say no to him about this. Like Castle explained - it's her fault.

"Kate," he murmurs, and when she lifts her head, she sees he knows her too well. "Not your fault. Not a punishment for anything." He strokes his fingers over her neck and into her hair, his eyes focused on her. "Not at all your fault."

She shrugs and curls her hand at Dash's neck, keeping him close.

It's not her _fault_, okay, no. But it's her genetics, her son, her. . .right. She gets to do this for him because she can, because she wakes easily and because she's his mother.

"You can always come find me," she repeats softly, kissing the little round softness of his ear. "Okay, baby?"

"That makes it better," he sighs, and his eyes are actually slipping shut.

Maybe he will sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Homeward**

* * *

Castle wakes drenched in sweat with two heavy bodies lying practically on his back. He lifts his head and turns to look, and he sees his son drooling on his arm and beyond him, Kate.

Kate is nearly cuddling. Nearly.

But they have a rule. No kids sleeping in the bed - not all night. And he is totally taking this kid back upstairs. Question is - how does he do that without waking Dash and ruining all their good work?

Huh. Conundrum. Too middle-of-the-night for Castle to actually figure out an inventive solution, so he just gives up and rotates his arm until he can palm his son's head. Dash snuffles in his sleep and closes his mouth, but he doesn't wake.

Castle eases up and untangles from Kate's legs before sliding out of bed. He curls his arm in and his son comes to his chest, startling a little and clutching his father's shirt. Castle pauses, waits him out, and Dash eases back down into sleep again.

He lifts up, his son cradled like a baby in his arms, and he slowly walks through the open doorway and into the living room. The nightlight is on under the stairs, and he uses its golden glow to navigate the steps, glancing down to Dashiell to make sure the boy stays asleep.

In the hallway, Dash jerks in his dreams, and Castle pulls him closer, tighter, and nudges through the door of his son's room. The darkness here is absolute, and the big boy bed is still something the whole family is getting used to, so Castle steps carefully, trying not to stub a toe.

Like the night before.

He finds the edge of the bed and pushes a knee into it, gently lowers his son to the mattress. The covers are all tossed back and Castle doesn't feel the pillow yet, but he cups the back of Dash's neck and pulls the sheet and comforter back over him. Using his feet, he finally finds the pillow on the floor, puts it under the kid's head.

Dashiell mumbles in his sleep and flops towards his father; Castle freezes and breathes shallowly, waiting, and then Dash sighs. He seems okay, so Castle straightens up and hunts for the weighted blanket that Julie, the therapist, recommended they use.

He doesn't find it, so it must be at the foot of the bed, so he just lets that go. Hopefully, his son will manage to sleep the rest of the night without needing it.

Castle turns and heads for the doorway, but a quiet little voice stops him in his tracks.

"Daddy?"

He comes back to the bed with a sigh and sinks down on his knees beside his son. "Yeah, my man."

"Thank you for my birthday, Daddy," Dashiell sighs out. Castle feels his little fingers poking into the crook of his father's arm, then curling at his bicep. "It was so the best ever."

"I'm glad you liked it," Castle murmurs, bending over to brush a kiss at his son's forehead. "Happy Birthday, Dash."

The little fingers relax and then fall from Castle's arm back to the bed. He can't help but giving his now-three year old one more good night kiss, and then he moves away and stands sentinel in the doorway guarding his son's sleep.

The wild man is three. And Castle's baby daughter will be a year old in a few months. He has this life that feels like - so often - the most amazing things happen to him, and keep happening, and even though he knows he's been through some hard times, that he and Kate have had their issues and their obstacles and their terrors, this life is more than he could ever have imagined and written for himself.

And then of course, there are times he feels like he's drowning, like nothing is going right, like the weight of the world is his, but then there's Kate.

He never wants to take her or their family for granted or let his pride start telling him he deserves all of this, because he knows better. He hasn't been the best man in this lifetime, but he hopes he continues to be the best man for his wife, the best father for his children. He hopes he is.

If he can just manage that. If he can hold on to this family-

"Missed you," a whisper comes through the darkness.

He turns in Dash's doorway and sees Kate in his tshirt and those skimpy shorts, her hair waving around her head and touching her shoulders. She gestures for him to come out and he leaves the quiet of his son's bedroom and partly closes the door.

"Missed me?" he says softly, a grin flirting with the edges of his mouth.

She winks at him and steps closer, wraps her arms around his waist. "Not really. I just got cold."

He laughs quietly and leans in to press his lips to hers, pulling her close enough so that their hips kiss as well.

"I was gonna check on Ellery," he murmurs after a moment, unwilling to move from the circle of her embrace or the warmth of her mouth.

"That's one kid that won't wake," she hums, lifting up on her toes to drop a kiss to his eyebrow. Her fingers skate up his sides and then gently push him away, turning for the girls' room. Alexis is in Chicago for school now, but her bed is still made, and some of her things are here.

He probably won't ever stop calling it her room, but now when they step past the threshold, the crib is right under the big framed photograph of the polar bear, the walls are a muted lavender that looks nearly grey, and the lullaby stars illuminate the ceiling to the quiet strains of rain falling.

"I like this setting," he murmurs to her.

Kate laughs gently at him and her hand comes to his, fingers interlacing. "I like to go back and forth between the rain sounds and the lullabies. Ellery likes to kinda - I don't know - I think she's trying to sing along. She makes those cute noises; I like to turn up the baby monitor and listen."

He grins so widely that it almost hurts and he turns to Kate and kisses her cheek because his wife is adorable like this, loving their kids and taking such pleasure in them. She's biting her bottom lip and rolling her eyes, but she knocks her hip into him and heads for the crib.

Ellery is on her stomach, her bottom in the air with her legs curled up under her. She's got a loose hold on her lovey, a polka dot blanket in brown and mint green, and her mouth is open in that perfect pink rosebud. Her lashes fall in dark shadows on her cheeks, and her breathing is soft and slow.

Kate leans against his shoulder and they stand side by side at the crib, watching their daughter sleep. And it hits him, suddenly, what they've done, what stretches out endlessly before them. So far Ellery doesn't show any of the same signs as her brother - no colic that can't be cured, no aversion to light, no manic energy - but what if it's something else? What if the champion sleeper thing is just a symptom of some other issue? And all over again they'll have to do battle just to give his baby girl a fighting chance.

He can't help but worry how they're going to do this, with one kid who can't fall asleep and another who could sleep away the day. And what about when one kid goes to elementary school and other is at preschool? Getting them up and ready and who does what and takes which one where, and in the meantime there are calls for a fresh body or an emergency or he has to turn in his pages or his son's issues are making them crazy. Will they have to always treat Dash differently, will his sister come to resent the special attention, will Castle somehow let her slip through the cracks?

After a long, quiet, and desperate moment of staring at this tiny defenseless infant they've created and thrust into the world, he realizes that Kate is looking at him and no longer at Ellery. He turns his gaze to his wife and finds her studying him like he's - like he's the reason for all this, like he's given her some stunning, beautiful gift.

"Kate?" he whispers.

She presses her lips together, but her eyes speak even as she's pushing him back outside their daughter's room and into the hallway once more. She wraps her arms around him in a sudden, joyful movement, and he feels her grin against his neck in between her soft kisses.

"Look at what we did, Castle. We made some amazing kids."

And his breath catches because that's exactly what he needed to hear.

* * *

She's trailing down the stairs after him, her fingers skimming the bannister, when he suddenly turns around at the bottom and halts her with his hands on her waist. When she meets his eyes, he looks intent.

He clears his throat but his voice still rasps. "Kate, I have to say - I love you. I just - I don't think you know just how much you've kept me afloat the past year and a half. I'm so grateful I'm not doing this alone."

She stares, stunned by him, and then she wraps her arms around his neck and leans in, cradling his head against her chest as if she can protect him. From whatever it is he's struggling against.

"Rick. Hey, it's okay. You do the same for me."

His arms are a little fierce, but he lets her go and lifts his eyes, so serious and determined. "Kate, a year and a half ago, I was drowning. I was sinking in it. But you wouldn't let me; you saw what was happening and you forced us to change. And then the therapy - I thought it was going to kill me, but it's made everything - amazing."

Kate bites the inside of her lip to keep back an _I told you so_ that wants to tumble out. It's scary just how much she's become her own mother. She finds herself sounding exactly like Johanna. "Rick, you-"

"No, wait, just - you know. Listen." He gives her a quirky grin, using their stupid therapy lines against her. "I want you to hear this. To know. With all of Dash's special stuff, Kate, I've felt completely worthless. I freaked out, and I know it - I'm still freaking out every now and then-"

"Yeah, I kinda noticed you freaking out," she grins and strokes her fingers through the hair at his temple. "I've had my moments, too. Don't worry."

"Yeah, but you're perfect at this. This is so your thing; you got it immediately, while I'm still struggling to be consistent and have a schedule and do all those little things that make it easier on him. You just know exactly what to do; you always have. Even before we had help, you've been good for him."

Oh, wow, how it eases her heart to hear that - he thinks she's good for Dash. She knows she's reserved and she can be inflexible, but to know that she's managed to turn those things into positives for Dash's sake, to be steady and stable for him, be the kind of mom he needs-

"You're so good for him, Kate," he sighs.

She drops her head and kisses Castle's cheeks, his mouth, but he puts her off, his forehead leaning against hers, and so she plays with the hair at the nape of his neck, knowing he's got to get this confession off his chest.

"I start to think I'm no good at this, Kate."

"Oh, Castle-"

"I mean. Rules and order and behavioral therapy? That's never gonna be me. And then something like tonight comes along and you just - you show me again how I'm good for him too. How I can actually help him-"

She presses her mouth against his to rub out his fears, to shut him up, whichever she can manage. He grips her tighter and she wishes she had the words he needs to hear, wishes she could convince him of the truth. She tries anyway - that's what _she _learned in therapy.

"Castle, you are the best father - for both our kids. The only one who could do it. We complement each other and we make it work for our family, remember? You were the one who told me that, back when _I _was the one freaking out. We do what works for our family - no matter what it looks like to anyone else."

He huffs a little laugh against her cheek and pulls back, smiling up at her with that little boy look - the one she sees in Dash so often these days.

He fiddles with the hem of her sleep shirt. "You know, upstairs I was looking at baby girl and all I could - it just got overwhelming. What if she has issues too - but what if they're different problems - what if, what if. And then you looked at me and you were so. . .happy."

"Of course I'm happy," she laughs, tracing her finger down the deep frown line bracketing his mouth. "Oh, Rick, aren't you-"

"Yeah," he says quickly, gruffly. "I'm more than - it's more than - Kate. Wow." He stands at the base of the stairs, staring up at her like all of his words have left him, and it makes her smile wider, makes her proud to be part of it. "I don't know what I'm trying to say anymore but sometimes I get stuck. I get stuck, Kate, and you get me unstuck."

She laughs softly again, presses her thumbs into those lines at his mouth and then leans in, brushing her lips over his so gently, so tenderly, trying to say the same.

When she pulls back, all that adoration is on his face, beaming and lovestruck and gorgeous. Kate cards her fingers through his hair and finally - for once in her life - finds the words she wants him to hear.

"I know, Castle. You're perfect for me too."


End file.
